About a year before we went our separate ways, I knew that our life was not going to get any better. I suggested talking to a marriage counsellor. To my surprise, he agreed to go. It was a waste of time, for both of us. He didn't see any reason to be there and I knew I really didn't want to be either! I couldn't see anything likely to change, and I knew in my heart that I was just marking time. In short, neither of us was committed to the marriage. Emotionally, we were already divorced.
I spent the next year doing exactly the same things I had been doing for years - looking after the kids and the house, working, rushing around doing secretarial work for him at the factory. He was much more focused and left when he was ready. When we separated, I found that he had set up a discretionary trust with everything we owned accounted for. He assured me that it was so there would be certainty for the children. He was executor as well as main recipient, so I had to hope that he really had their welfare in mind. Because I had no interest in the divorce, I had no say in the children's care and financial support. I guess I thought we would just sort it out. In the short term, I had the house and he had the factory which he still rents out. He pointed out that the house and factory had equal value. I sold the house and moved to Brisbane, where the proceeds from a house in Mackay didn't go far towards a new house.
What I also had when we parted was immediate embarrassment. One occasion that still rankles was going to the bank to find out how much was still owing on the mortgage on the house. The guy on the counter called out to the bank manager who came to his doorway. His response was heard by everyone in the bank. 'Sorry, I can't tell you that. Your husband has asked that you not be told anything about his business.' When I said I wanted information about my house that was in joint names, he suggested I come back with my husband. He was the chair of the P&C at my children's school and I was on the committee, so he knew me socially but also I was the one who did all the banking and he knew me from the bank. I couldn't believe I was treated like that. I took the $2.50 from my savings account and left.
Another (and the last that I will whinge about) was not being paid. I was teaching part time at the TAFE where we were paid at the end of each month. After about a fortnight I had absolutely no money left. One of my colleagues passed me in the corridor and asked how I was. I fell apart very wetly. When I finally dried my eyes and explained, she took me to the Principal who gave me a cheque on the spot and arranged for my salary to be paid fortnightly. She also suggested I go to Centrelink (or whatever it was called at the time) and explain the situation.
If I was embarrassed before, I was totally humiliated then. I had never been out of a job. Like most people, there were times when I was short of money but never to this extent. The lovely lady at Centrelink told me that they weren't in the business of supplementing people's income - that I had an income from the TAFE and, besides, my husband had responsibilities. I felt as though I was trying to rip the last cent out of her personal pocket. After I sat in the gutter for half an hour, feeling that I could never hold my head up again in that town, I drove home sobbing. If I had been in an accident, I would clearly have been in the wrong.
I am not writing this to point an accusatory finger at him and the male-oriented society or to ask for sympathy. I look back at this as one of the lowest points in my life when I had not one iota of self-esteem. All I could do was hope that things improved when I was closer to family and long-term friends.
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