I cried

 

I was planning to have a few more feel-good posts and congratulate myself on how wonderful I am before I delved into events and relationships that were far more challenging and where I don’t emerge with a shiny halo or a hero’s badge, but today I felt compelled to change my mind. I have been watching a series on Netflix called Sweet Magnolias. It is set in the bible belt and has many words of wisdom woven into the story. However, I have just watched the episode where Maddie has just signed her divorce papers. She is told that it’s okay to be sad. Her response resonated with me: ‘I’m not crying because I signed my divorce papers. I’m crying because I had to.’ I cried with Maddie and I cried for myself. I cried for the life that I might have had.

I was immediately taken back to that day in my own life. I know just how she was feeling – and yes, I know it is just fiction – though I could probably up the ante. I was sad that my marriage hadn’t worked out but more, I was angry. I was angry about my stupidity and my neediness that took me into a marriage that I knew wasn’t for me. I knew before we walked down the aisle that he was not the person for me. We had already found so many issues that we didn’t see from the same perspective.

In fact, two days before the wedding I wanted to back out and thought it was too late. This was Good Friday and we were to be married on Easter Sunday. Most of his family lived in Western Australia and had either arrived or had booked expensive flights from Perth. We hadn’t planned either a buck’s night or a hen’s night – not unusual at the time – but got together with some of the family and the bridal group at my sister-in-law’s house. I can’t even remember why, but I stormed out of the house and sat on the fence, expecting him to come to his senses (he must have been in the wrong!) and come out to apologise. When he didn’t, I walked back to my parents’ place where I was staying. I didn’t know till later that our guests had bet he would follow me. He apparently took out his wallet with his honeymoon money and put that down as his wager that he wouldn’t. Meanwhile, I sat on my parent’s front steps, wanting to wake them and call it off. I should have known that they would have been very willing to do that. I just thought that our families had come, many from a distance, and that many of the wedding expenses had already been paid. If I had only realised then that following through would be far more expensive in every way!