Eighty and Emerging

 

It is hard to believe that I am 80 and still not really sure who I am. Recently a wise woman gathered my stories of failure and difficulties in her hands, arranged them into a different pattern, and challenged me to see them from the perspective of distance and the wisdom of hindsight. For years I have looked at my wider family with its Noah’s Ark configuration and assumed that they all saw my divorce as an abysmal failure. Only now, 45 years later, did I raise the issue and was surprised when their response was one of praise for my strength at removing myself and three young children from what they recognised as a toxic relationship. I was gratified when I realise that their perception of me is more positive than I had imagined.  Recently I was feeling sorry for myself when I remembered being the only one in a big family who had no partner to share decision making and to give me time out. When I thought it through and talked it through, two things emerged. The first was that most of my siblings also had their hands full with young children and secondly, all saw me as totally in control and coping well. How wrong they were!  I was just too aware of myself as a failure so I had to at least seem independent, even when I was desperate for some respite.

I have only ever had one birthday party. As a child, I think that was very common. I only remember attending one friend’s party as we didn’t grow up in an affluent community. My 21^st was attended by my parents and a couple of my siblings so I couldn't class that as a party. As far as I can recall, I didn't want to mark other birthdays until I got to 75 – and then I did it with style. My daughter organised everything. My guests were immediate family, cousins, Toastmaster friends and some long-term friends from Mackay. Then, almost overnight, I was 80.

Again, my dear daughter arranged a get-together with an invitation extended just to my brothers and sisters and grandchildren and anyone else from the next generation. I think the term for nieces and nephews is niblings. Apparently, that is a non-discriminatory, gender-inclusive term used before the 1960s and recently revived. I hadn’t planned for a large group as I have found that the niblings are in their forties and fifties with kids and commitments, so I was thrilled when so many made the effort to dress up and come along. I had specifically told my family in Mackay not to make the expensive trip to Brisbane for a couple of hours. I planned to visit them soon. I was delighted when my elder son popped up as I arrived, so all three of my kids were there.

Please be involved. Share below some thoughts about how you celebrated the important events of your life.